~ Memoirs of a Strong Woman ~

GUEST SUBMISSION:  Oh boy does this hit home…not as a mother but threw the eyes of a child who had to grow up with those who were addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.  I am blessed to know Shannon Thompson personally and it is a privilge to be able to share her story with all of you.  The story, in her own words, is as follows:

I ran across this proclamation that I wrote for another friend’s website, back in January of this year. Almost exactly a month after this, my ex-husband was drinking and driving with my son and rolled his truck. I have been dealing with things since and when I looked back at this, I realized, I must have been feeling it coming. Once you have lived with and loved an alcoholic, your sense of oncoming tragedy, unfortunately, increases. My son is physically good now, it was rough getting through the first few months though. He has some emotional leftovers for sure, as do I. But, I will stay strong for him and keep fighting!

Little lengthy, but I tried to summarize. We are strong women and I know I can get through this!

18 years ago, I met the man of my dreams. Of course, at the time I didn’t realize the intense and amazing roller coaster I would be boarding. After leaving my first abusive husband, I was hesitant to bring my babies in to this man’s life. They were only 3 and 1 ½ at the time, but slowly after about 6 months we started introducing them in his life with a simple lunch and as they say, the rest is history. He melted mine and my little girl and little boy’s hearts. He stepped in and became the father they needed when theirs had disappeared. He was there to support me through my heartaches and challenges in raising them, and was an amazing father, husband, and best friend. We were the picture-perfect couple that everyone seemed to be very envious of. We had amazing adventures together, started a business together, schooling, home ownership, friends, travels, we had it all. As a young couple, we had our “party” times as well. He was always a drinker and at that age, about 26, so was I. But, as we grew older and created a life for ourselves and a family, and began wanting a child together, I became more aware of the apparent “need” he had for drinking. I had never experienced addiction with my family or friends so I was a little blinded. Of course, my love for him and our family was enough, or so I thought. As the years passed, we suffered with fertility issues and after several heart-breaking ectopic pregnancies, we received a miracle of our son! With only a 15% chance of a successful pregnancy, here he was! My husband’s family’s only name sake and just in time to say goodbye to my husband’s grandfather before he passed.

So, there’s the back story. The moment we found out we were pregnant with our son is about the time I can say I noticed a more obvious change in him. His alcohol addiction became more and more apparent to me. At first, I tried to brush it off that it wasn’t my issue to handle. After all, alcohol is socially acceptable, right? But, as it became more and more intrusive in my children’s lives, I knew I had to do something. Waking up to the recycle bin full of cans from the night before as I hurried to hide them before the kids woke up, a beer in the freezer in the morning because it “calmed his stomach”, shakes so severe that if I brushed him he would get angry, smell of alcohol coming out his pours, covering for him when he didn’t show up to meetings for our business because he was “sick”, severe irritability towards the now pre-teens, telling me I am trying to “control” him when I begged him to get help. Living with an alcoholic, especially someone you love and trust and admire, is the most difficult thing I have done. Leaving my first husband who was abusive in every way, may have been easier. I loved this man with every single ounce of my being since the day I met him. We have shared everything possible that two people can share. We created a beautiful little life together against all odds. We were raising three amazing children together. Now, the difficult decision of choosing to leave, or continue to fight a battle that I can’t win.

When my son was born I discovered he had been having a long-distance affair. Well, I had a new born baby, two pre-teens and custody of his 7-year-old niece whose mother, his sister, was suffering from addiction as well. I stuck it out for almost 2 ½ more years! It was rough. Counseling was a bust as he would storm out as soon as he was confronted by the therapist about his addiction. My cries and the older kids’ cries didn’t help. I went to Alanon meetings on my own and begged him to join but nothing. June of 2012 I finally said, get help or leave, I can’t do this anymore to the kids. I remember it like it was yesterday. I came home from work after picking up the kids from school and the baby from him at our business, it was a Thursday, the house had been emptied while I was at work. I guess he made his choice. He took almost everything he could grab that day. My son’s PlayStation, TVs, clothes, dishes, couches, linens, my son’s toys, all our birth certificates and passports and legal documents, you name it. As I walked in with all three of my babies by my side, it was at that moment I said to myself, I GOT THIS! I had no choice. As he was in his own apartment and no regard to the house we had built together or the economic responsibility of it, I was putting mine and my children’s lives back together. My mom showed up and helped me get the house in order. We filled TWO bins full of empty bottles, cans etc that he had apparently left hidden all over the garage. Over the next year or so I bounced back and forth with him, with the hope it would eventually work out. After all, this was my soulmate.

April of 2014 I finally filed for divorce. It was so extremely rough for me to do but I realized my babies were the most important thing and I needed to do it for them and teach them that we can survive the addiction. He didn’t want the divorce and fought it. Staying strong was hard. Our divorce was final December of 2014. Unfortunately, my older children no longer have a relationship with him. He cut them off quick. After 15 years in their lives, I remember the day they said that he looked them in the faces and said….” You aren’t my responsibility any more” …. that hurts to the core, still to this day. He justifies everything still. But, my reality now, is wondering if the reason he isn’t answering the phone or texts messages about picking up our son for his visitation, is because he’s in a ditch somewhere. Is he passed out because he drank too much??? I can still to this day tell when he is ready for his “binge”, he is on a 3-month cycle. I worry for my son that he will drive with him after drinking as he used to always say to me, “I am bigger than the average guy, I can drive fine”, after drinking 3 tall boys or a 6 pack. My reality is watching the people around him not see what is behind closed doors. He is the poster child of health to the “average” person. Physically, spiritually, emotionally he portrays that everything is perfect, no one will ever know anything different. His career supports this and so do the people around him. His mother sadly passed away a few years ago and I believe her alcohol addiction was to blame. I have no regrets in leaving. The only regret I have is wondering if I provided the right support to my children by choosing him as a father. My older kids will always have that intense heart scar, as will I. I can only hope that it has made them stronger and I can only pray that my younger son will have less of a chance of developing the addiction himself since the environment with his mom does not support it.

I can happily say that now, I have accomplished so much on my own! Despite his comments in the beginning that I was “bad with money”, “supported by my parents”, “controlling”, anything he could do to “blame me” for the demise of our family due to his addiction. My children and I are happy, I have an amazing job, new vehicle this year, paid off all his and my debts, and am getting ready to buy a new house! My older children are grown now and I have been able to tell them most everything. I have one starting her senior year at college and one in the Army while attending online college. We have had some emotional talks but cleansing ones. My younger son is doing well and loves both his parents. I never talk bad about his father and always encourage his relationship with him. On the inside, I worry constantly but I have faith that I did, and am still doing the right thing for them! Addiction kills families, not just the addict. But, I am proof that there can be life after, and with great sacrifice comes great reward and serenity!

We thank Shannon for sharing her story with us.  She is absolutely proof that there can be a good life after!  May we all find strength and encouragement in her words.