GUEST SUBMISSION: Thank you to M.S. for this personal story submission. If you are going through hard times in a relationship, know that you are not alone…and you are loved.
This is M.S.’s story…
The heartache you face when you lose the love of your life, followed by losing five friends/family members to death within those first seven months after him leaving, and having nobody else around for a support system is HARD.
When you think about how your world got flipped upside down in a blink of an eye it makes you sick to your stomach. When the heart is broken you question everything possible. How could someone say they love you then leave you?! Hell, how can someone say they love you but cheat on you over and over again? Or how about how this person mentally destroys you to the point of no return?
A marriage is supposed to last! A marriage is love, communication, trust. I gave all of that in my relationship but never got it in return. When a person mentally destroys you it’s hell trying to find who you truly are. I hurt so bad inside it’s to the point I want to die.
When you’re in a mental abuse relationship you are blind to it all…that is, until they are no longer in the picture. The pain that sets in is unreal. There’s no words to even begin to describe the pain. You don’t ever want to feel it. I didn’t want to feel it and still don’t. When he left I wanted to die and I tried four times.
But God had plans for me! I went to the hospital each time and lived. When you have a heart ache like this and it even goes to my child hood days you question a lot. I just wanted to feel the love, I wanted to accepted by him, I wanted my gaps in life to be filled. My ex-husband filled those gaps while at the same time made bigger ones.
Sometimes I want to go the easy way out. Sometimes I don’t. All of this mess in the six years that I’ve been single has triggered many more issues health wise. I find it hard to keep going every day when I feel like the world is against you. You know?
It’s hard to give up on someone you love who’s also become an addict. You tend to worry more about them then yourself…and before you know it, your right where they are, but without the drug.
I’ve fallen over the years and I’ve picked myself back up. It’s been a rollercoaster no doubt. You have your high days and you have your lows. Mine I have more lows then highs. I know over the years I’ve had to find my inner strength because I have nobody in my personal life. Oh, and to top it off, I struggle with PTSD and chronic anxiety which, of course, doesn’t help.
I have three kids, two who live with me. I’ve done this with very little help. I’ve survived multiples of times from things that have tried to kill me. And yet here I am facing another challenge with not a soul insight. People tell me you have kids. Yes, I have kids but when you feel alone inside you feel alone…and that’s where I am at. It doesn’t make me a bad mother because I’m still pushing for my kids but there’s times where certain days are harder then others. Needless to say, you feel like you can take on the world one minute to having the whole world against you. Hopefully six years down the road I can look back and say I survived that round too!
But to whoever is in a mentally abusive relationship – get out now. Go now. It might be hard to leave but if you have people in your life that you can lean on…then lean on them because this pain/heartache/dark days in mind I don’t wish upon anyone. It’s nothing to play with. A person who loves you won’t destroy you to the point that you question your own worth. Loves isn’t supposed to hurt.
Oh, M.S. We can hear the pain in your words…but we also hear strength too. Stay strong and know that even though you feel like you don’t have anyone to lean on, guaranteed that there are people in this world that love you. In your mind you may be just one person in this world…but to someone, you may be their whole world. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing your story.
~ Memoirs of a Strong Woman ~ 