I can tell you that, as a woman with a house with way more space than I actually need and who is getting “up” in child bearing age years, the most frustrating questions that I get asked is “When are you having kids?” or “Why don’t you have kids?” Why is it frustrating? Because people who ask that question are trying to pigeonhole me (and presumably others like me) into some sort of bullshit social stereotype that I apparently don’t fit it, or can’t fit in, and it makes me want to punch you. Literally. Maybe you are the best Susie Homemaker, PTA, Pinterest mom there ever was…and good for you. But that is NOT my life and I’m sick of people expecting my life to be like theirs. And did it ever dawn on your that perhaps the people you are asking the question to might be struggling to conceive? Maybe they can’t conceive. Maybe they just have made a personal choice not to have children for one reason or another. None of these circumstances or choices make us any less of a woman…so why do people insist on raising the question as if having a child is some sort of mark of womanhood and societal necessity? I can think of many women who have kids that probably shouldn’t.
Yes, I know that for some, the “baby on the brain” started as soon as you were able to have sex. That wasn’t me. I grew up really poor, with some other extenuating circumstances, and the only thing I could think about was trying to get through high school and responsibly out on my own without things that would complicate my life further.
Yes, some of you fell in love early and got married. That wasn’t me. I spent years in relationships with the wrong people, some of them quite toxic, and it wasn’t until my late 30s that I got to marry the man of my dreams. Indeed he completes me in more ways than I could ever have imagined and is truly the first man I have ever been with that I have even considered having children with. I wasn’t about to procreate with any of the clowns from my past for fear of bringing a child into the world with a father that could end up like that of my biological father. Let’s just say, in short words, he was not a good father at all. I’ve maybe seen him a handful of times since I was nine…and we don’t speak, even to this day. I am okay with that and prefer it that way. Life is too short to be around that kind of toxicity.
Some of you put off your education, or maybe chose not to get an advanced education because you had children early. That wasn’t me. After all that I had been through the one thing I realized was that I couldn’t necessarily count on anyone but myself and if I wanted more out of my life I had to go out and get it. For me, that meant higher education…and taking out the loans to get there. I worked full time during the day and went to school full time at night through undergrad. When I chose to advance my degree years later the program I was in would not allow you to work the first year and the second and third year were limited to only being able to work 20 hours a week. It was an intense program that left you little time to make any kind of a living to survive on the off hours.
Maybe you were blessed with wealth from a partner or family to support you so you could stay home and raise children. That wasn’t me. As I said, I grew up poor, my family is still of modest means, and because I knew that the only person I could count on was myself, for me, that meant that I was going to go to school and work hard so that I could provide for myself and be in a position to help family when they need it. When you are busy doing school and work to take care of yourself and your family…relationships are an afterthought, let alone having children. I believe in only taking on responsibilities that I can handle mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Because I was behind the curve with my advanced education, going back to school some five years after I graduated undergrad, my career is only really beginning to kick off and become more stable.
Maybe you weren’t interested in advancing a career or building a business…and that’s okay. But for some of us career/business people…we realize that we sacrifice the traditional family for our work. For some, this means not ever having children of their own and perhaps ends up being the best mentor to children in tough situations or the worlds best aunts or pet moms. And that is okay too. Those who chose to not have children should not have to explain themselves.
Maybe some of you just were blessed enough to have the ability to have children…regardless of whether they were planned, wanted, or not. Thus far, that isn’t me either. My husband and I have lost two pregnancies since we got married. I’m not sure which one of us took the first loss harder. We don’t talk about it because it just opens a wound that we are trying to let heal. We don’t know if we will be able to have children or not…and if we can’t we are okay with that too because we are both getting up in age. At the same time, it doesn’t ease the pain of the losses either and getting asked probing “where are the kids?” questions it only rubs salt into the wound.
There are many reasons that people don’t have children but realize whatever the reason is, it’s probably a very personal decision or circumstance…some that may be painful to talk about. So next time you walk into someone’s home that has way more space than a normal two person household would need and/or the female you are speaking with is getting older, don’t ask them “Why don’t you have kids.?” In fact, perhaps consider training yourself not to ask any woman (or man), especially one that you just met, that kind of question because you could be doing harm that you don’t even intend.
Is there anyone else out there that feels this way or has experienced this kind of frustration? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
~ Memoirs of a Strong Woman ~ 