~ Memoirs of a Strong Woman ~

It’s been a little while since I sat and wrote anything, however, I recently went through one of the most difficult times in my life to date…the passing of my grandmother.  Writing is therapy and so today I share my story with you.   Before I go into the story of her passing and my experience to date I want to take a moment to highlight the beautiful woman that my grandmother was and share a little back story that would explain some points that I will make.

ALL THAT IS CLASS.  My grandma was (and maybe I’m biased) the best kind of grandma a girl could ask for.  I could write an entire dissertation about how amazing she was but I can sum up a lot by saying that she was full of grace and fortitude, the essence of all that was class – with a rancher lady twist.  She taught me how to “tell them how the cow ate cabbage” in ways that left people feeling okay about it.  She always had a way with words – from the cards that she would write, to her infectious personality that gave reason for her to be loved by ALL.  She always listened to my stories about work or relationships and she always knew just what to say when I needed it most.  Next to my momma, she was my biggest fan, and I was hers.  She was always encouraging me to dream big but would often shake her head and giggle at me when I refused to slow down. She often say, “You don’t let any grass grow under your feet do ya, honey girl?” She was ALWAYS present for my biggest accomplishments and life miles stones no matter how far she’d have to go to be a part of it – including my law school graduation in Wyoming to walking me down the aisle along side my momma in the Bahamas.  I was surprised she got on the plane let alone a boat to cruise there! Indeed, she was my rock…my lighthouse in the dark…and I hope that as I forge forward without her she continues to guide me through the future.   She understood my spirit and we shared a bond that I know goes far beyond this lifetime.

THE FAMILY SIGNS.  For some of us, after my grandfather passed in 1992 (from cancer), we would often see “grandpa’s numbers” (1s, 3s, 7s and 9s) show up – be it room numbers at a hotel, the amount on a bill or gas pump, time, and so on.  For others in our family, the sighting of a red cardinal bird was something that would be present.  In a superstitious kind of way, it was a “sign” to some of us that grandpa was saying “hi” or showing presence and support when certain things in life got a little rough.  My grandpa was an amazing man – the “drugstore cowboy” – and I am fortunate to have fond memories of grandpa too.

THE SCHEMA.  The hardest part of this loss is there was no time to prepare emotionally.  I think one of the most true things in life is that we always think there is time.  Just like we anticipate the power being on when we flip the light switch, or the car will start when we jump in it to go somewhere – we just kinda count on people being there tomorrow or next week.  To a great degree I think we have to operate this way.  Consider how paralyzing it would be if we didn’t follow the schema?  We’d never get anything done.  But as I can attest to – you have to make time for your loved ones as part of the balance or you will live with regret.  Fortunately I did call my grandmother a lot and was able to do a lot of things with her.  Is it all that I wanted to get done with her looking back now?  No.  I am saddened by the fact that I never got to take her to the New England states to see the fall colors nor did I ever get her on the Pacific Coast Highway like she wanted…but even still I don’t have a lot of regret because we did have a lot of lovey times together.

THE WORK HORSE STARTED SLOWING DOWN.  My grandmother was one of the hardest working ladies I knew.  I can’t say that I didn’t recognize the fact that grandma was getting older – we all get a little hitch in our get-a-long as we age – but my 82 year old grandmother was still out moving rocks with her wheelbarrow just last month.  Seriously, this lady was just truckin’ a long and I figured we still had many more great years together.  She once called me to tell me that she cut her arm and needed stitches.  When I asked her how she did it she told me sawing a limb off a tree.  That wasn’t all that long ago.  She told me when the doctor told her she shouldn’t be sawing limbs on trees anymore she asked him if he was going to come and do it for her.  After Grandpa passed she was just one of those “get it done” kinda ladies. She became the epitome of “Ms. Independent.”  So when she told me that she had hurt herself when she was moving some rocks and had to go to the hospital it really didn’t seem too out of the ordinary.  She was even flirting with the hottie firemen that came with the EMT service that took her to the hospital – called them “calendar boys.”  Yes indeed, that was my grandma…God love her!

NEWS OF ILLNESS CAME AS A SURPRISE.  As I said, we didn’t have a lot of time to prepare for this emotionally.  What started out as going to the doctor for back pain and dehydration turned into multiple repeat hospital stays without much for information.  After she kept being sent home from the hospital I assumed things were going to be just fine – that perhaps she just dehydrated herself and needed some medication for the pain in her back.  You know – silly grandma tending to over do it a little and forgetting to take care of herself – but when the blood platelets were dropping rapidly the doctors knew something much more serious was going on. While I didn’t have any news yet – I felt the presence of my grandfather around me – like he was watching over my shoulder as I worked.  I didn’t see any of the family signs (numbers) like my mom and sister were reporting but indeed there was signs to me.  Consequently I knew something was going on but hand’t yet been told anything by my mother – grandma didn’t wan’t us “kids” to know yet.  The diagnosis?  Stage four terminal cancer – cancer of the lungs that spread to the liver and likely the bones and the lymph nodes in her chest were swelling and pressing in on the airway. They couldn’t even do regular biopsy testing because they were concerned that she would have bled out.  Devastating news…given three to six months to live…she was discharged with an order for hospice care.  That was last week Tuesday.

BAD NEWS TURNED WORSE.  I had been fighting a month long upper respiratory infection and I wasn’t wanting to share my germs with my mom or my grandmother which is why I hadn’t gone to see her in the hospital but I was getting better and I told my momma that I wanted to come out to see my grandmother at her home.  This was now Wednesday morning…but mom wanted to wait and talk with the hospice nurse that was coming out.  However, after the morning visit with the hospice nurse, my mom called me back advising that given the stage that my grandmother’s illness had progressed to where we maybe only had a few days left with her. Not the months that we heard the day before at the hospital…just days.  My heart sank and I rushed to pack a bag so I could head out to be with my grandmother.  On the way out all I could think of was the things I wanted to tell her and started reminiscing about all the things she had taught me.  I still had so many things to learn and placed I wanted to take her.  I wasn’t ready for her to go yet.

My sister arrived before me and when I got there I was warned about the things I was about to experience and see.  I was advised that Grandma had not been herself, which I expected, and didn’t look like herself, which I also expected.  As my sister and I walked upstairs to her room I took a deep breath and walked in.  It hurt my heart to see my beautiful grandmother laying there.  She was the type to always have the pot of coffee on when guests were arriving and instead I was greeted by some family members who shared with me some of the stories from the prior 24 hours…and they were heart wrenching.  The second hospice nurse came to help us make some changes in the room and I asked her how long she thought we had.  Candidly, but with compassion, she advised maybe a few days.  It was conformation on what I already knew…but confirmation with my own ears nevertheless.  Those who can present honest information with compassion are true blessings.

COPING SKILLS: THE “DOER.”  I quickly learned that my go to coping skill was to get busy…and that seemed to work for my sister as well.  She and I took notes from the nurse on what medications we should be giving grandma to keep her comfortable – getting the dosages and timing down and that’s what we did – we became the medication administrators.  For the next 16 hours straight, without sleep, my sister and I took turns giving grandma her medicine and keeping one another company.  We looked through old picture books and memory albums.  We smelled all of grandma’s perfume and looked at her collection of indian jewelry.  We giggled and told stories of our memories hoping she could hear us and maybe was silently giggling too. I didn’t want Grandma to ever feel alone as she made her transition to the afterlife.  It felt good to be useful and helped me not have time to be doing any overthinking.  My role became clear and through the duration of my time with grandma, I was indeed the “doer.”  It gave me a sense of purpose during the difficult time.

HOLD MY HAND.
With the medication that we were giving my grandmother I didn’t assume that I was going to have any real lucid moments with her.  However, in spite of the medication she would mumble to me/us asking me to help her up.  She was too weak and fragile for us to actually get her up but we could at least get her sat up with the help of the electric bed.  While her eyes were closed I would still talk with her as if she could see and hear everything I was saying.  I told her about the weather, the beauty of the spring flowers on the mountain, and the new things with work that I hadn’t had the opportunity to tell her since she had been in the hospital.  I told her how much I loved her and how I was going to miss her.  I promised her that I would watch out for and take care of my mom (grandma was always worried abut my momma who isn’t in the best of health either – we’re going to work on that) and I gave her permission to go “home” when she was ready.  I told her I anticipated Grandpa was waiting on her and that she had better not keep him waiting too long.  It’s hard to tell whether or not those who are passing can hear and understand…and I wasn’t sure she even knew I was there until we went to lay her back down.  I talked with her telling her we were going to lay her back down and she reached out for my hand and gave it the tightest squeeze ever…and she didn’t let go.  It was an impressive squeeze given the her condition.  I sat there holding my grandmother’s hand for nearly an hour…I didn’t want to let go because it would probably be the last time I got to really hold her hand where she was holding me back.  It was comforting.

SIGNS FROM THE OTHER SIDE?  This was the first time I have ever dealt with death up close and personal with anyone let alone a loved one that was so close to me.  I wasn’t present my my other relatives had passed. Whether it’s all in our head, an odd “sixth sense” as described in Psychology Today, or something else, we had some rather interesting experiences that I chalk up to maybe being signs from the “other side.”  In chronological order, we experienced the following:

Early Wednesday morning apparently my grandmother mumbled “it’s so beautiful.”  We have no idea what she was referring to but I’d like to think she caught a glimpse of where she was headed.

Wednesday night – early Thursday morning, while my sister and I were on watch, my sister thought she saw my grandfather’s image in the mirror reflection – twice.  She described it as him standing in this little nook and against the wall that was right by the bed where my grandmother was laying.

Thursday morning, while I was sitting and visiting with my aunt and uncle about the evening’s events, there was a crackling, popping, static sound that started coming from directly behind me.  At first we thought it was my grandmother’s cat playing behind the TV but we soon realized the cat was not there.  Upon further inspection we realized the noise was coming from the soundbar/speaker that was attached to the TV.  I was there all night and never heard the sound.  No one had turned it on.  I turned it off.  It turned back on by itself.  I turned it off again…it again turned back on by itself.  We started looking to see what else might be making it turn on and we realized the DVD player was on.  Not a single one of us turned that on either.  We turned off the DVD player that mysteriously turned on and then then I turned the sound bar off again.  It finally stayed off.   Whether you believe it’s electrical issues in the old house (entirely possible) or something more, it definitely happened.

Friday morning I was sitting on the sofa and “visiting” with grandma.  My uncle had walked in and noticed I was starring at the cat.  He asked what was up and I told him to look at the cat.  The cat was literally starring at the wall as if it was watching something.  My uncle said “that’s weird, huh?” and walked out.  I continued watching the cat and it was odd enough that I took a picture of it. The significance?  The cat was watching the same wall, that had nothing on it, that my sister said she saw my grandfather standing against in the mirror reflection by the head of my grandmother’s bed just nights before.  I even looked for things that might have caught it’s eye – like a bug, reflection off of something, or anything else – nothing.  Some sites like Pet360 and Animal Planet talk about animals and sensing the supernatural so who knows…but it was odd for sure.

Friday night, my uncle hired an overnight caretaker so that the family could get a little rest and be able to enjoy the time together telling stories rather than watching grandma breathe.  The caretaker was invited by the family down to make a plate of food for dinner and she went back upstairs.  About an hour later I realized that my mom was missing so I went upstairs where my grandmother was and found my mom and the caretaker looking behind the TV.  When I asked what was going on the caretaker advised that she heard noises coming from behind the TV and that she thought there was a mouse.  There was a level of comedy to the sweet caretaker and my momma searching behind the TV for a mouse.  With one listen to the crackling, popping, static sound I knew exactly what had happened…the soundbar was on again.  No one turned it on but it was turned on again…along with the DVD player.  I just smiled, told my mom that there was a lot of energy in the room, and I turned them both off.

THE LAST SIGNS AND THE END.  I stayed upstairs with my grandmother and the caretaker Friday night.  She and I took turns taking care of grandma.  I woke from my “nap” around 5:00 am, noticed a bit of labored breathing so I gave her more medicine.  The nurse and I then started having a conversation – just girl time chit chat and stories about my grandmother.  As the sun started to rise and shine through the window onto my grandmother’s face I heard a big sigh followed by an immediate abundance of birds chirping from outside.  I looked at my phone to note the time…7:20.  That must have been her appointment time with heaven.  I suddenly felt a huge rush of warmth and calmness come over me…as if Grandma stopped to give me a hug on her way out.  She always gave the best hugs.  Her time with us was over and she had moved on.  While I was sad for me, it was incredibly beautiful and couldn’t have been more perfect.  I took this picture of the sunrise over the mountain minutes after her passing.  What a peaceful morning.

REFLECTION AND NOW WHAT?  Looking back, if she would have known all that was going on, and was undergoing treatment, I don’t think she would have done half of the things she did in the past year.  She was able to travel and walk me down the aisle in the Bahamas.  She was able to attend my niece’s first birthday party.  She was able to continue to see her guests at the ranch and visit with us family.  Indeed, she was living life the way she wanted…and if she really knew what was going on, I think she would have missed out on so much – and I’m very grateful that I had the time with her that I did.  I have some of the most amazing memories…and pictures.  At this point I feel that we are in the “now what?” stage.  The plans for ceremonies and celebrations are being planned while I try to make sense of what just happened in the past week and I try to resume sort sort of a normal routine.  I find that work is hard to concentrate on but I’m trying.  I find that I have moments of sadness that will have me teary but I allow myself to feel the emotions.  At this point all we can do is take one day at a time and I have to remind myself that it is okay to give myself a little break while going through the emotions.

GIVING THANKS.  To all of the nurses and staff who work for and coordinate hospice care, God bless you!  The team that worked with my grandma for that short while were nothing short of amazing and compassionate and they made our transition a lot easier.  I am thankful for all of the kind men and women that helped our family through such a rough time.

For all of those who have lost someone you love, and had to go through this or something like it, I feel you – you aren’t alone.  Remember, story sharing is caring…it may just help someone get through their own situations.

Love to you all and until next time friends… ❤